


He doesn't love you like I love you

by spacefireworks



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, F/F, How Do I Tag, I Will Go Down With This Ships, I'm Sorry, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Poor Nicole, Power of Love, Song Lyrics, Sorry Not Sorry, Wayhaught is endgame, Wynonna Earp & Nicole Haught Friendship, alternative universe, poor waverly, wynonna has a girlfriend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:29:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26308606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacefireworks/pseuds/spacefireworks
Summary: What happens when you spiral out of control and let the darkness consume you? What happens when your girlfriend can no longer put up with your behavior?Nicole learned it the hard way and now she needs to find the strength to get out of this dark place. With the help of her best friend, she'll do everything in her power to get her girlfriend back. Or is it already too late?
Relationships: Rosita Bustillos/Wynonna Earp, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught
Comments: 13
Kudos: 132





	1. He doesn't love you like I love you

**Author's Note:**

> So guess who is back? That's right - its this giant idiot. It's the first piece of fiction I have written in more than a year. I know I have two other stories, some of you would like me to update, and I will do it, eventually. I'm sorry for the delay, but I hope you'll take this One-Shot as a peace offering in the meantime. :)
> 
> I got the inspiration to write again thanks to the song "Like I love you" from Nico Santos. So if you want to, you can check it out right here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS5y1qd5MLE

  
The night was upon the little town they call Purgatory. Ironically that's just how one of its residents felt. Like she was in Purgatory, whatever that meant. The night was stormy, and rain has been pouring down from the sky since the late afternoon. One would think the end of the world was near. Well, again - for one particular resident, it might as well have been the end of the world. And funnily enough, she would have been okay with that.

  
  
_When the two of you walked in the other ni-ni-ni-night_ _  
Saw you smilin' with your arms around his si-si-si-side  
How I hate the hand in your hand wasn't mi-mi-mi-mine  
How I hate myself I didn't treat you ri-ri-ri-right_

  
  
The young deputy waved towards the bartender, Rosita, for a refill of her beer and two more peppermint shots. She was on a mission - the mission to get so drunk she couldn't remember her name. Least of all, the reason why she was here in the first place. Probably to forget and to drown her sorrows and self-pity in alcohol. Whichever explanation would fit her best friend more when she stopped by. Which the redhead was sure she would at some point of the night. Right? They were best friends and, as the older woman said, there're no take-backs.  
  
For hours she just sat there and watched them. In the corner booth, away from prying eyes and away from _her_. The way she laughed and tossed her head back while doing so. The way her entire face seemed to sparkle, her eyes crinkled into half-moons and the way her bright smile would lit up the universe. Nicole loved that smile. She didn't need to see it to know what the stunning brunette looked like at this very moment. She was happy. Genuinely and unapologetically happy, maybe for the first time in months. Who even knew at this point.

_But I only want the best for you, trust me_ _  
Even if I know the best for you is not me  
And the worst is I know I'm the reason why-why-why-why  
You said goodbye-bye-bye-bye_

 _  
_  
Rosita came by with a tray of drinks and put them down in front of the deputy. A look of sadness and sympathy accompanying her. Nicole learned to ignore these sorts of looks. She nodded her thanks and downed one of the peppermint shots. Nicole didn't need pity or sympathy because she didn't deserve it. She wasn't worthy of it. She wasn't worthy of _her_. And heaven knows, everyone in this godforsaken town knew it by now. She was not worthy of her love. Not after what she did. Not after she hurt her, again and again. The redhead did not mean to do it tough ... it just happened. It was out of her control. Or wasn’t it? 

_He doesn't love you like I love you_ _  
He doesn't need you like I need you, no  
He doesn't love you like I love you  
Hope he won't hurt you like I hurt you  
He doesn't know you like I know you  
'Cause baby, I know every part of you  
He doesn't love you like I love you  
Hope he won't hurt you like I hurt you  
Guess I don't deserve you_

Letting out a long and heavy sigh, the tall redhead slumped back in her booth. Keeping an eye on the scene in front of her, at the pool-table. She grabbed her beer and took a large sip. Slamming it down harder on the table than she wanted to. Thank god she didn't draw any attention. Well, besides Rositas, of course. The short woman put a plate with fries down in front of her. She knew better than to let her girlfriend's best friend drink herself into oblivion without at least something to eat.  
  
"You better eat that. With all the alcohol you've been drinking, you need something to eat."

Nicole eyed the plate warily, but ultimately she knew Rosita was right.

"Thanks," she mumbled, “you are good for Wynonna, you know? She seems to be genuinely happy since you two made things official,” she added in an afterthought and looked up at the young woman. Eyes bloodshot from hours of drinking. Rosita couldn’t hide the bright smile that lit up her face at the mention of her partner. “And you are a great friend to her, Haught. She loves you, please don’t shut her out. All she wants to do is help you.” The brunette said and laid a hand of Nicole's shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, a comforting gesture, before another customer called for her attention.

  
Grabbing one fry off the plate, the redhead chewed it rather unenthusiastically while starring with a slightly unfocused look in her eyes ahead of her. Laughter from the other side of the bar reached her ears. When she looked over, she wished instantly she hadn't done it.  
  
Waverly was leaning with her back against the pool table, smiling at the man in front of her. He leaned in, probably for a kiss, but Nicole averted her eyes before she had to witness it. Seeing them together felt like a punch in her gut. She didn’t need to see them kissing too. Not giving a shit at that moment, she reached for the second peppermint shot and downed it.  
  
"You think drowning your sorrows in alcohol is going to make it better?"

Wynonna slid in the booth opposite of Nicole. The deputy chuckled dryly and fixed her best friend with a surprisingly intense stare. Holding a fry in front of the older Earps face.

"Ha, that's rich. Coming from you, the queen of "alcohol is the solution." Nicole spat the words out. Not bothered by her attitude, the older woman just raised her eyebrows.

"Well, dude, your right. But this" pointing at all of the shots, and empty glasses in front of Nicole "is what got you in this mess in the first place."

  
The redhead grumbled unintelligibly and averted her eyes down at the table, lips quivering.

Catching the eye of her girlfriend across the bar, the older Earp shrugged her shoulders helplessly. Indicating she had no idea what to do anymore. Rosita gave her a thumbs up and blew her a kiss. Wynonna rolled her eyes at Rosita's playfulness and turned back to her friend. The slumped form of Nicole and the utter look of devastation did it for her. Sighing loudly and with a soft look in her eyes, Wynonna reached for the redhead's hand and squeezed it.  
  
"Look, Nicole I, I'm not good at this, but fuck, you need to get out of this dark place. It already ruined your relationship with my sister. Don't let it ruin your entire life. What about your career or about all of these plans you had for the future. I want to help you, but you need to want my help, you giant idiot."

Nicole didn't look at Wynonna nor, did she indicate in any way that she heard what the other woman said. Although Wynonna knew she had listened to her. Instead, the deputy's eyes shifted to the other side of the bar.

  
Slightly irritated with her friend's behavior, Wynonna followed her gaze and sighed heavily. "Damn it, Waverly,” she whispered under her breath.  
  


"She looks happy," Nicole's voice was filled with raw emotion.  
  


"You know that dude is a dick. He doesn't deserve her," Wynonna argued.  
  


Nicole huffed. "Please, we both know that is a lie. Perry is a great guy."  
  


"Yeah, well...you're better," the older Earp tried to sound nonchalant. Her heart was breaking for Nicole. All she wanted was for her sister and best friend to be that annoyingly cute couple again.

_If I'd had one more drink, I would've started a fight_ _  
So I walked out of the bar, into the dark of the night  
I can't move on with my life although a part of me tried  
But the day you walked out of my life, a part of me died_

  
  
Nicole smiled half-heartily at her friend. She eyed the nearly empty beer in front of her and then her eyes wandered over to Waverly again. Wynonna observed her friend, while the deputy's eyes rapidly shifted between the beer and the woman she loved. Suddenly the taller woman turned her head and starred right into Wynonna's blue eyes. That was the moment the brunette knew Nicole finally had enough of the life she was currently living. Gulping loudly and with slightly shaking hands, she took the beer and pushed it out of her reach. Then she leveled her best friend with a look of determination. Wynonna couldn’t be happier about it.  
  
"I think I need help, Wynonna," she whispered. Despite the look of determination, her voice sounded so utterly broken that Wynonna had a hard time blinking away the tears in her eyes. She smiled encouragingly at her friend.  
  


"I'm so proud of you, Haughtpants."  
  


Squeezing her friend's hand tightly, she motioned for Rosita to come over.  
  


"Hey babe, we're out of here. Could you just put it on her tab? The sooner I get her away from here, the better." She asked her girlfriend and reached for her hand, intertwining their fingers for merely a moment.  
  
"Sure, no problem." Rosita smiled at her and planted a kiss on her cheek, which made the older woman grumble something about a reputation she had to uphold. Chuckling lightly, the smaller brunette pecked her on the lips and went back behind the bar. A slightly embarrassed Wynonna was left behind. Shaking her head with amusement, she got up and went around the booth.  
  


"Come on Haughtmess, we're going to get you out of here. You need to shower and you need to catch up on some sleep."  
  


Wynonna helped an unsteady Nicole to her feet and waited a few seconds for her to get her bearings. Everything was blurry and seemed so distant. "Thanks," she mumbled against her best friend's hair as she escorted her out of the bar.  
  
  
"Anything for my best friend," Wynonna smiled reassuringly at her.

+++++++

What neither woman realized was the pair of eyes following them every step of their way. Sighing loudly, she turned around and looked at her best friend since kindergarten. Sadness was clouding her eyes.  
  


"Please tell me I did the right thing, Chrissy," the younger Earp pleaded with the tall blonde.  
  


Chrissy shrugged helplessly. "I think … to an extent you did, but at the same time, I also think it made it so much worse. She acts like everything is okay at work, but Dad is worried about her."  
  


Waverly choked back her tears.  
  


"What should I do?"  
  


"I don't know Waves. I don't know."

  
Waverly felt torn between her past and her present. She found someone who could actually love her, but nothing could ever compare to Nicole's love for her. She knew that because no matter what, the redhead made it clear that she loved Waverly to pieces.  
  


Did she make a mistake?  
  


Initially, she just wanted her girlfriend to realize what she had to lose. To give her a reason to ask for help, a reason to fight. But that backfired spectacularly.  
Now, three months later, she had the opportunity for a new relationship with someone who cared about her. While the person she still loved most in the world was falling apart right before her eyes.  
She ended it to protect herself, but at the same time, she probably took the only thing away from Nicole that could have given her the strength to fight. Every day she caught a glance at her former girlfriend, she could see that she'd given up. Should she have stayed with her?  
Did she make a mistake, or was it the right decision at the end? After all, Waverly was still so in love with the taller woman. Leaving her was probably one of the hardest decisions she ever made. That night she didn’t just break Nicole's heart, she also broke her own into a thousand little pieces.

_I love seein' you smile_ _  
The way, the way that you do, but  
I hate seein' you smile  
With someone new_  
  


+++++++

  
Wynonna tucked Nicole in after she showered. This task turned out to be easier than she anticipated. The older woman climbed into the bed with her friend and laid down right beside her.   
  


"Tomorrow, when you’re sober, we're going to look for programs around here. Okay?" She brushed her fingers gently through the redhead's hair. "You're going to be okay. I promise," she said to a sleepy Nicole, who just nodded and snuggled into the warmth of her best friend. _Home_ was the word drifting around Nicole's head when Wynonna put her arms around her and held on tight.  
  


Maybe Wynonna was right. Perhaps she could finally get the help she needed and work it all out. Maybe she could right all of her wrongs and get Waverly back. Because no matter what, Nicole knew one thing for sure, no one would ever love Waverly Earp the way she did. The question was, did Waverly still love her? Maybe they could figure it all out. Maybe …

_He doesn't love you like I love you_ _  
He doesn't need you like I need you, no  
He doesn't love you like I love you  
Hope he won't hurt you like I hurt you  
Guess I don't deserve you_


	2. So Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Nicole and Waverly reflect on the past months, and Nicole finally tells Wynonna what happened...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks,  
> so I decided to add a few more chapters to this story. It has the potential for a multi-chapter fic, so I'm doing it. Hope you all don't mind. :)  
> This chapter was inspired by the song "So Cold" from Ben Cocks. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it, and thanks for the kudos and comments!

  
  
It was around 3 am when a loud thunder rumbled over Purgatory. It was that kind of thunder that could make everything inside the house quiver in fear. Seconds later, a flash of lightning lit up the dark sky. Startled the redhead rose with a gasp on her lips. It took her a few seconds to realize that she was in no danger whatsoever. It was just the thunder. Taking a few deep breaths to get her still intoxicated nerves under control, Nicole eased back down in her bed. A soft snoring sound reached her ears. Confused, the deputy turned her head and spotted her best friend right beside her. Suddenly the haze on her brain was lifted, and the memories of last night hit her like a brick wall. _Waverly. Bar. Alcohol. Waverly. Best friend. Waverly._

Groaning, the woman slapped a hand over her eyes in frustration. How could she be so stupid? It wasn't the first time a night ended this way. She knew this to be a fact. The way Wynonna always escorted her out of a bar, helped her in the shower, and tucked her in. At this point, the older Earp had probably seen Nicole naked more times than she could count. And probably just as many times as her girlfriend. To be clear, we're talking about Wynonna's girlfriend. Not like Nicole was capable of being in a romantic relationship at this point in her life. _And the one I want probably doesn't want me anymore_.

  
"Shit," she grumbled with a low and raspy voice. Not again, she thought.

+++++

  
In the meantime, at the homestead:

  
Waverly tossed and turned in her bed since the moment she slipped under the covers. Although the storm outside did nothing to help in that matter, it wasn't the reason for her agitation. Her sister hadn't come home that night, and she didn't expect her to. But it was already the fourth time this week the older Earp opted to stay at her best friend's house after picking her up from a bar. At least that was the story Rosita told her, who was currently sleeping in Wynonna’s bed.

  
Huffing out loud, the younger Earp sister gave up the prospect of getting any sleep that night and grabbed her phone from the nightstand. The bright light of her lock screen blinded the young woman for several seconds. After her eyes adjusted to the luminosity, she unlocked it and scrolled through her contacts. Her thumb hovered above her sister's contact information.

  
Shaking her head slightly, she scrolled until she reached Nicole’s contact. It's been three months, and she had yet to change the contact name on her phone from "Sweety pie" to just "Nicole". Also, she still had a photo of them set as her lock screen. She wasn't ready to change it.  
  
  
Frustrated with the entire situation, she locked her phone and tossed it to the end of the bed. She would call Wynonna in the morning then go over to Nicole’s house and, and what? No-no-no. She needed a plan.

  
First things first, she needed to end things with Perry. Whatever that _thing_ was, she didn't want for it to progress beyond a friendship. Afterward, she'd call Nicole and tell her that she wants to help her in whatever way the redhead would allow her to. As a friend, though. Maybe after this ordeal was over, they could try this relationship thing again. Deep down, she knew they were destined to spend the rest of their lives together. Yup, sounded like a solid idea.

  
Satisfied with the plan she came up with, Waverly closed her eyes again. Soon after, the rhythmic sound of raindrops falling on her window finally lulled her to sleep.

+++++

  
  
A pillow to her face woke Nicole up from her slumber.

  
"Dude, that's so rude. What the fuck is wrong with you!" the redhead grumbled into the pillow that currently was on her face. The hangover was already hitting her hard.

  
"If I have to be up and about at 8 in the morning, so do you drunky" Wynonna quipped from the edge of the bed. All she got out of her friend was a long groan of frustration. Patting affectionately her foot, the older woman got up and walked to the door.

  
"Painkillers and a glass of water are right beside you. Take them, freshen up a little bit and then come down. I'm making breakfast."

  
Despite her enormous headache, the deputy looked out from under the pillow. She was eyeing her friend skeptically.

  
"You're making breakfast in my kitchen?"

  
Wynonna rolled her eyes and waved her concerns off. "Yeah yeah yeah, I won't burn your kitchen down," she laughed at her best friends look and walked out of the door.

  
Letting out a deep breath, Nicole reached with slightly trembling hands for the glass of water and the painkillers. Grateful for her best friend's care. Slowly, she sat up and put her feet on the ground. With her elbows placed on her knees, she put her head in her hands.

  
"Shit, Nicole ... You screwed up, big time."

  
She grumbled to herself and headed into the bathroom. The person staring back at her from the mirror was no stranger to Nicole. At least not anymore. The first few weeks, she was shocked at what she saw when she looked into the mirror after a night of drinking. But now? Now it almost felt comforting and familiar. And that should have been a warning sign for the redhead a long time ago. She shouldn't feel this carefree after a night like this. Shaking her head at her reflection, disgusted by herself and of what she had become, the young woman splashed her face with ice-cold water. It needed to end ... One way or another.  
  
  
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Wynonna did definitely not start a small fire while attempting to make breakfast. She waved frantically with a kitchen towel to get the smoke out of the air before Nicole would come downstairs. _Busted_.

  
Nicole smelled the smoke the moment she got out of the bathroom. Unimpressed, she fixed her friend with a stern glare. Wynonna looked somewhat sheepishly at her and shrugged her shoulders. "I just said I wouldn't set your kitchen on fire. I didn't say anything about not fumigating it a little bit," she joked.

  
The small twitch on her lips gave Nicole away as she tried to stay as serious as possible with her idiotic best friend.  
  
  
"Now come here and sit down. Um...because the eggs went puff we ..um we don't have anything to eat. But I did make coffee!" She proudly held the pot of coffee in the air, a wide grin on her face.

  
Nicole laughed at her friend's antics. "Maybe we should just go out for breakfast then?" she suggested.

  
"You know what, Haughtmess? That is a great idea. We're taking my truck." She slapped Nicole on her back and zoomed out of the kitchen.

  
The older woman was suspiciously happy and awake for this time of the day. But Nicole didn't dare to question her friend's attitude. She knew the following hours would probably take out a lot from her. So she gladly went along with the happy facade for a few more minutes.

  
+++++

  
  
At the homestead, Rosita and Waverly also decided to get some breakfast in town. Neither woman was in the mood to make something. Waverly was tired from the lack of sleep, and Rosita was a little grumpy after she woke up to a cold bedside next to her. So the two ladies decided to treat themselves for a change and spent some quality time together.

  
"Rosita!!" Waverly hollered up the stairs for the fourth time in five minutes. She heard a muffled response that sounded like a "yes"

  
"Come on and hurry up. I'm hungry, and you know that place is always packed. Especially on a Saturday morning," the younger Earp talked herself into a frenzy and started pacing around at the bottom of the stairs. She was only slightly panicking because she was behind her schedule.

  
"I'm coming, I'm coming, Waves! No need to yell at me." The young woman teased her friend.

  
Startled by her sudden appearance, Waverly spun around with a loud gasp on her lips. Rosita’s eyes widened at her friend's reaction and held her hands up "Sorry, my bad," she apologized to her friend. Waverly waved her hand dismissively. "No don't apologize, I'm just a bit jumpy. Didn’t get much sleep last night."

  
With an understanding smile on her face, it dawned on Rosita why her friend didn't get much sleep last night.

  
"Nicole?"

  
Sighing, the young brunette nodded, "mhm".

  
Taking pity on her, the bartender hugged Waverly tight. Trying to convey a sense of comfort. "Hey, it's going to be okay." She assured her and guided them out of the door. Minutes later, a car engine started and drove down the gravel. Leaving the empty homestead behind.

+++++

  
Nicole and Wynonna just entered the diner a few moments ago, already overwhelmed with the number of people inside. Despite that, it was surprisingly quiet. Okay, it was a little crowded, but at least the noise level was more than manageable. They could work with that. "Uhm … I think we may have a problem here," Nicole insinuated while searching for an empty table.

  
But the problem was solved rather quickly. When a waitress passed them by, she kindly pointed them to the last unoccupied table in the diner. "Thanks," both Wynonna and Nicole said at the same time. "Anytime, Officer, Haught!" She winked at the tall woman and went on her merry way to the kitchen.  
  
  
The pair sat down at the table. A corner booth, how ironic was that. While the redhead skimmed the menu for something to eat - it all looked incredibly delicious by the way - Wynonna sneaked a few glances at her friend. Although she didn't showcase it, the brunette could tell Nicole had a murderous hangover and was probably still tired. But she made an effort to be here today and maybe even to seek out some help. Knowing this provided Wynonna the courage to finally ask the question she had wanted an answer to since the couple broke up.

  
Clearing her throat, Wynonna put the menu down and looked at her friend. It only took a few seconds for Nicole’s cop senses to tingle and to recognize that she was being watched. She looked questioningly at the woman opposite her.

  
Wynonna opened her mouth to talk, but just at that moment, the waitress came over to take their orders. Both chose the "hangover breakfast," which offered a little bit of everything. The moment the waitress was gone, Wynonna shifted her attention back to her friend.

  
"I want to ask you a question, but I don't know if you're ready to answer it," she started her inquisition hesitantly. Nicole furrowed her eyebrows. "Well, no time like the present to find out," she answered, trying to make her voice sound strong, yet Wynonna could detect the tremble in it.

  
"I want to know what happened."

  
"What do you mean?"

  
Wynonna’s hesitation made Nicole slightly agitated. She had a good idea where this questioning was going.

  
The older Earp gulped loudly. This was way harder than she thought.

  
"I want to know why you started drinking."

  
There it was. Out in the open. In plain daylight. The implication was clear: Why did you become an alcoholic. Why did you break my sister’s heart?

  
Nicole inhaled sharply, her knuckles were turning white from the tight grip she had on her coffee mug.

  
Feeling and seeing Nicole’s distress, Wynonna pried her fingers away from the mug and held her friend's hand in hers. She never was the biggest fan of showing affection. But damn it, she had a soft spot for the redhead. Taking comfort in Wynonna’s touch, the younger woman looked right into her eyes.

  
"It ...it was roughly six months ago, I think. Um I had the night shift, Nedley was still in office when the call came in …" the redhead got interrupted when their breakfast was put in front of them. Their mouths were watering at the sheer amount of food. And they chose to postpone their talk until after breakfast. Both of those things deserved their undivided attention. Especially the food.

  
Simultaneously the door of the diner opened, and two smaller women stepped in. Looking for a place to sit but coming up empty. Then a waitress walked by and smiled friendly at the new costumers. "Oh, morning Waverly!"

  
"Good morning Jess, um do you still have space for the two of us?”

  
"For you, always. And lucky for you, your sister is here and has a table that fits four people." She pointed them in the general direction of said table.

  
Both women quirked their eyebrows in confusion.

  
"Wait, Wynonna is here? At this time of the day?" It was Rosita who asked the question.

  
More than surprised by this little piece of information, the young bartender looked at her friend. "You know, she's probably here with Nicole..." she pointed out the obvious and trailed off. Not sure what to say next.

  
Waverly nodded. "Yeah, but … um I think I'd like to get breakfast with them," Waverly admitted shyly. Rosita smiled at her and guided them through the diner. Searching for her girlfriend and her best friend.

  
+++++  
  


Wynonna was the first one to notice them and did a double-take. A piece of bacon dangling out of her mouth. A silent "oh" escaped her lips, but Nicole could still here it. Following her friend's gaze, Nicole’s entire body froze at the sight of Waverly Earp coming towards them.

  
Albeit a little shy, the younger woman sent her a small smile upon their arrival. A small smile that Nicole returned unconsciously. That's just what Waverly Earp did to her. 

  
Wynonna’s and Rosita’s greeting was a little more physical. The smaller woman was practically sitting sideways on Wynonna’s lap and showered her face with tiny kisses before their lips met in a long and passionate kiss. Slightly uncomfortable with this amount of PDA, Nicole and Waverly cleared their throats. The couple at least had the decency to look embarrassed and untangled their bodies. "Sorry" Wynonna mumbled and swiped the remains of Rosita's red lipstick off her lips.  
  
  
"Mind if we join you?" the bartender asked them. Mindful of the former couples' current predicament. Wynonna looked at Nicole, offering her an out of this situation. Unsure and somewhat unnerved, the redhead made eye contact with Waverly. "Yeah, sure."

  
The big and radiant smile coming from Waverly diffused all of the doubts Nicole had just seconds ago and awkwardly pointed to her left for Waverly to take a seat.

 _  
So this did not change,_ Waverly thought. From the very first moments of their relationship, Nicole always made sure for Waverly to sit on her left site. One time the younger Earp asked about it, and the older woman just shrugged with a smile on her lips. _This way you’re always going to be near my heart_. She admitted with a light blush on her cheeks, and Waverly melted at the sheer amount of love Nicole had for her.

  
But that was in the past. If she could go back to the start, she'd do in a heartbeat. Maybe things would be different this time around.

  
Now Nicole kept a polite distance and only talked to her if she directly spoke to her. Rosita and Wynonna did most of the talking, while Waverly and Nicole ate their breakfast mostly in silence.

  
Despite all the awkwardness and tension between them, Waverly felt incredibly safe at Nicole’s vicinity. She was radiating warmth, and Waverly sucked it all in like a sponge. It felt like home.

+++++

After sitting and chatting for nearly an hour, the waitress came by to take away the rest of the dishes.

  
"Hey, can we get the check please?" Nicole asked Jess once she had the dishes on her tray.

  
The young waitress smiled and nodded, "Sure thing, Officer Haught. Would you like separate checks?" she asked, with her eyes still fixed on the deputy. Nicole charmingly smiled up at her. Waverly loved that kind of smile. "No, that won't be necessary. I'll pay for all of it, Jess."  
  
  
Before any of the three women could object, Nicole held her hand up to silence them. "Just run with it, girls. This one is on me."

  
Both Wynonna and Rosita were quick to thank her before they got lost in their little bubble again. But Waverly eyed the older woman beside her curiously. She didn't understand why Nicole would do that. Well, of course, she did it more times than she could count when they were still together, but now she had absolutely no reason to pay for Waverly's meal.

  
Feeling eyes on her, the redhead turned sideways and caught Waverly’s gaze. After a beat of awkwardly staring, the younger woman smiled shyly. Followed by a silent "thank you". Nicole returned the smile and nodded once.

  
After the check was paid, with a gracious tip for Jess, the four women got up and were ready to leave the diner. With Wynonna and Rosita already out of the door, Waverly saw her opportunity and kept Nicole back for a few minutes to talk. Confused, the deputy turned around and gazed into the younger woman’s eyes.  
  
  
"Look, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but nothing is going on between Perry and me." Waverly jumped right in, catching the deputy off guard.

  
"You don't owe me an explanation or anything at all. You’re single, beautiful, and smart anyone would be a fool not to fall for you. You are free to do whatever you want, Waverly."

  
"But it's not what it looks like, I want -"

  
Nicole blew out a long breath and put her hands on Waverly’s shoulders, trying to get her attention.

  
" Waverly, I hate to say this, but right now, this conversation is stressing me out, and I could use a drink to release some of this tension." The officer said rather bluntly to the now concerned looking woman.

  
"I, I'm sorry. You're right, this isn't the right time." Waverly agreed, with her head hung low, then she followed her sister outside. At the car, their paths separated. But not without Nicole attempting to lift Waverly’s spirits. So while Rosita and Wynonna said goodbye to one another, Nicole walked over to her former girlfriend.

  
"I love you, okay? And I will always love you, so all I want is for you to be happy, Waves." she blurted out, catching Waverly totally off guard.

  
Before she even had a chance to gather her thoughts, the bartender came back and led a motionless and speechless Waverly to their car.

+++++

Wynonna and Nicole walked over to the brunette’s truck.

  
"I'm driving us to your place, and then it’s time to talk," Wynonna stated, and the tone of her voice left zero room for arguments. Nicole nodded, already dreading that conversation, and the urge to drink grew stronger every minute. She started to zone out, and the more she thought about it, the more her breathing grew rapid and shallow, and her heart rate was through the roof.  
  
  
Wynonna quickly noticed the state her friend was in. She was about to hyperventilate. Purely on instinct, she stopped near the road and cut the engine off.

  
"Woah woah woah, hey, no! Nicole, come on - look at me." she tentatively reached for her hand and tried her best to comfort her friend. "Breath with me, okay?" And that's what they did for about ten minutes. Wynonna helped Nicole to breathe, and slowly but surely, the redhead calmed down.

  
Afterward, Nicole felt embarrassed and tried to apologize to her friend. But Wynonna was having none of it.

  
"Look, I have an idea. You have this nice fireplace in your living room. So how about we make a small fire, curl up in blankets and we talk?" she suggested. The young deputy nodded timidly.

  
After she made sure her bestie was indeed okay, Wynonna started the car engine again and drove off. Destination: Haught Residence.

+++++  
  


Half an hour after coming home, the fire was going strong, and both women sat on pillows in front of the fireplace. Nicole stared right into the flames as she tried to gather her thoughts. The heat of the fire was warming her body pleasantly.

  
Finally, she cleared her throat.

  
"Well, as I said earlier, I had the night shift, and for some bureaucratic reasons, Nedley was still in the office when the call came in." She started her story again and had Wynonna’s undivided attention. Although she didn't look at her friend, Nicole knew the older Earp was watching her like a hawk.

  
"Um ... I don't, I don't remember the details, but I think it was a kid who was calling that night. Little Stevie Robinson..." the deputy trailed off, caught up in the memories of that night.

  
Wynonna only knew vague details about what happened to the Robinsons but, she had always assumed Nedley was the only cop there that night.

  
After a few minutes of silence, Nicole continued telling the story.

  
"Stevie called, he was crying, and you could hear the screams in the background. He said something about his daddy. He was angry and had a gun, and Stevie was afraid of him. Then, mere moments after we heard a gunshot, the connection got cut, and both Nedley and I knew, every second counted. So we drove out to the Robinson Ranch and called for backup on our way there."

  
For the first time since she started talking, the young deputy dared to look at her friend. Wynonna was meeting her gaze, and all Nicole could see was love and support instead of the dreaded look of disappointment and pity.

  
"What happened after you arrived at the Ranch?" Wynonna prodded gently. Joe Robinson was known for having a short temper, his excessive drinking, and everyone suspected he was abusing his wife and children. But there was never enough evidence to arrest him, although Nicole nearly had the chance to do so twice. Because his wife and youngest child, Stevie, confided in here.

  
Releasing a heavy sigh, Nicole willed herself to continue.

  
"Um... we got there around 8 minutes after the call came in. And it was all going downhill from there. Upon our arrival, we parked in a safe distance to the ranch. Joe had his entire family lined up at the front of the house. They had to kneel, and he was pointing his gun at them..." Nicole trailed off again, then looked her best friend dead in the eye. "It was like an execution, Wynonna. But ten times worse." The older woman swallowed loudly.

  
"We tried talking him down, but it was to no avail. He threatened to shoot them one by one. We debated shooting him because there was no way we'd look on while he massacred his entire family. So that's what we did. The ... the um problem was, we had no idea he had explosives wired around his chest...so.."

  
A whispered, "Oh my God.." escaped Wynonna’s lips as she looked at her friend. Finally, understanding what pushed Nicole to alcohol. But the officer wasn't finished. By now, she was in a trance-like state, and words just spilled out of her mouth.

  
"I don't know for sure which bullet was the trigger for the explosion. But I know that I shot first and Nedley just seconds after me. The blast of the explosion hit us full force. My ears were ringing, and my whole body was aching. But nothing prepared me for the picture of destruction. There was no house any more Wynonna, everything was either gone or on fire. There were no buddies to recover because they were literally ripped apart. There was nothing left. Nothing."

  
Fighting against the tears, the brunette moved over to her friend and embraced her in a tight hug. She was out of town when it happened. After Waverly had called her, sobbing through the phone, she came home as soon as possible. She heard from her sister and from the town folks what supposedly happened that night, but most of it was speculation.

  
The redhead hid her face in Wynonnas's neck, as a river of tears streamed down the younger woman’s face. "I killed them," she choked. She was barely able to talk at this point.

  
Taken aback by Nicole’s statement, Wynonna recoiled from their hug. The sheer amount of guilt and self-hatred Nicole showed baffled Wynonna. Disbelief was written all over her face.

  
"No Haughtstuff, you listen to me," she demanded and kneeled right in front of the redhead. Grabbing her by the shoulders and forcing her to look up.

  
"This is a god damn tragedy okay? But in no way was this your fault. You couldn't have known about the explosives. Neither could Nedley. That was all Joe, okay? He did plan this all along! He was a heartless bastard who wanted to kill his family at any cost. It didn’t matter to him how it would happen. The cops were his fail-switch. It is not your fault." Wynonna tried to get through her friend, with an intensity she didn’t even know she had. But Nicole shook her head, tears flowing freely down her face.

  
“But he said …” She tried to talk, but Wynonna didn’t let her finish the sentence.

  
“Whatever that little fucker said doesn’t matter okay? He was a psycho, he abused his family, and he’s a murderer. It’s his fault, not yours!”

  
With puffy and red eyes, the officer looked at her friend. Still not quite believing her words, but choosing to stay silent for now. Instead, she whispered something that shook Wynonna to the core.

  
“I’m just like him,” It was said with such finality and dejection. Wynonna's eyes bulged, mouth wide open in shock. It only took a few seconds for her to process what she just heard, and vehemently shook her head.

  
“Are you insane, Haught? Why would you think something like that? You’re nothing like that piece of trash!” She practically shouted at her best friend. The redhead shrugged helplessly.

  
“I’m an alcoholic, Wynonna.” She stated without any ounce of emotion. She finally said it. After months of denying it, it was time to face the consequences of her actions and do something about it.

  
“Yeah, you are Nicole. But that’s all you and Joe Robinson ever will have in common. You are a good person who made some stupid decisions, but you have a pure heart and couldn’t hurt a damn fly.” Wynonna insisted, trying to make Nicole understand.

  
The younger woman chewed nervously on her lip and seemed to be in deep thoughts. Then she looked at her best friend, almost pleadingly. “Will you help me?”

  
Wynonna smiled reassuringly at her and inched forward on her knees so she could kiss Nicole on her forehead.

  
“Always, Haughtstuff. Always.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, let me know what you think about it! :)


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